


Smile

by EbbaTriesToWrite



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Blood, Depression, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Han Jisung | Han-centric, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, Team as Family
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-12
Updated: 2018-12-12
Packaged: 2019-09-16 23:33:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,107
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16963581
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EbbaTriesToWrite/pseuds/EbbaTriesToWrite
Summary: Jisungs smile was different. Chan couldn’t decide how exactly. Or maybe he could but he didn’t like the implications of it. This smile, it was sad, but it was real.He didn’t like what that meant.It meant every single smile he had seen on the youngers face before hadn’t been real. Chan wasn’t stupid, he knew no one could be as happy and excited as Jisung was all the time, he had realised that he faked it a lot. But this smile, it revealed something that Chan didn’t want to know. That Jisung wasn’t happy.orEach member realises something about Jisung





	Smile

**Author's Note:**

> So I wanna start of by saying I'm very new to the fandom so the characterization might be off, but hey its fanfiction so...  
> Also this covers subjects of depression and suicide so don't read it if it triggers you. There's quite a descriptive scene about a suicide attempt so beware.
> 
> Please let me know what you think of the story and even if I don't know you I can be someone you can talk to!

Jisungs smile was different. Chan couldn’t decide how exactly. Or maybe he could but he didn’t like the implications of it. This smile, it was sad, but it was real. 

He didn’t like what that meant.

It meant every single smile he had seen on the youngers face before hadn’t been real. Chan wasn’t stupid, he knew no one could be as happy and excited as Jisung was all the time, he had realised that he faked it a lot. But this smile, it revealed something that Chan didn’t want to know. That Jisung wasn’t happy.

“It’s fine hyung,” the smile was still there when he spoke, “I’m just going to go.”

Fuck. Chan really messed up. He watched the shorter man turn and leave and Chan wanted to punch himself. Why had he said that? So stupid. He hadn’t even meant it, he was just stressed and tired and his mouth seemed to have a life of its own. 

_“Can you just shut up for one second? You take up so much space!”_

_Chan had yelled, he never yells. As soon as the words left his lips he looked up in regret at the younger man stood in the doorway. He looked stunned but soon enough the look was replaced by a small smile. The first real smile Chan had ever seen on Jisung’s face._

_“Shit Jisung I’m sorry!” Chan had stood up and walked over to him but Jisung had backed up, smile still there._

_“It’s fine hyung, I’m just going to go.”_

The first real smile Chan ever saw on Jisung’s lips was caused by an insult, from his friend no less. Could he even call himself a friend? What kind of friend causes such a sad smile? Chan had wanted to follow the younger man but it was as if he was frozen in place. It wouldn’t matter anyway, he wouldn’t know what to say. 

The door opened again and for a second Chan thought Jisung had returned but it wasn’t, it was Changbin who stopped, confused at seeing Chan stood in the middle of the studio. He probably looked ridiculous, mouth open and unshed tears in his eyes.

“Hyung?” Changbin said uncertainty, walking up to him and placing a hand on his shoulder, “What’s wrong?”

“I messed up.” 

Chan whispered but Changbin was close enough to hear it. He was also close enough to see his tears start falling and he pulled him into a hug. Chan buried his face in the shorter man's shoulder and allowed himself to cry even if he didn’t deserve to be comforted right now. They stood there for a while, Chan wasn’t sure how long but eventually Changbin pulled away and wiped Chans tears with his sleeve. He led him over to the couch and pulled him into a side hug. 

“What’s going on Chan-hyung?” Changbin asked eventually.

“I messed up.” Chan said as if it explained everything.

“You said that already but what does that mean?” Changbin scoffed, “How did you mess up?”

“I told Jisung to shut up.” Chan was too ashamed to admit to the last part he had said.

Changbin pulled away a little to look at him confused before his expression morphed into something softer, almost happy, “Jisung knows he can be loud, I’m sure he didn’t take offence.”

“You didn’t see him.” Chan shook his head.

“I did though, crossed him in the hall and he looked fine.” Changbin patted his shoulder and moved to stand up.

“He’s not fine,” Chan shook his head again and Changbin settled back on the couch, the conversation was obviously not over, “he smiled at me and it was the first real smile I’ve ever seen on his face. It was so sad Binnie. I don’t think he’s ever been happy since I met him.”

“You got all that from a smile?” Changbin’s tone was light but the expression on his face was concerned.

“He always smiles,” Chan wanted to explain but didn’t know if it would make sense to the other man, “he always smiles but that smile, that smile was the first that ever reached his eyes. He’s a damn good actor, we all know that. But I didn’t realise he always acted.”

“I don’t think he always acts,” Changbin was rubbing circles on the back of the older mans hand with his thumb, “he just exaggerates his personality and chooses what to show. We all do that, he’s just perfected the art of it.”

Chan nodded, that made sense. But that smile was imprinted behind his eyelids for the rest of the day as he and Changbin worked on their music and he saw it every time he blinked. He hoped Changbin was right, that that sad smile wasn’t what Jisung always felt.

* * *

After the incident in the studio Changbin decided to keep an extra eye on Chan, the leader rarely lost his cool and the fact that he did against their resident sunshine implied there was something going on. Chan had a tendency to overwork himself, if he was being honest all of the guys in Stray Kids did at times but Chan was the worst offender. Nearly collapsing from sleep deprivation several times and even passing out once during dance practice after he’d forgotten to eat for two days.

Changbin also decided to keep an eye on Jisung but he seemed normal. He and Chan had talked and had come out of the leaders room laughing, he seemed fine. But Chan and his conversation echoed in his mind every time he looked at the younger man.

_“He always smiles.”_

Changbin had thought Chan was exaggerating but it was almost true. Jisung rarely exuded any emotion that wasn’t positive. No one could be that happy, could they? But he seems so fine, no trace of underlying emotions at the members teasing. Changbin had always been jealous of the brighter boy, of how he was always happy, always fine.

_“He’s not fine.”_

Changbin was startled out of his thoughts by being tackled from his sitting position on the floor. He caught sight of a tuft of black hair and when he pushed the member off of him he saw Jeongin’s smiling face looking down at him. Changbin grabbed a pillow and playfully hit the youngest member with it.

“What was that for?” he punctuated each word with a smack with the pillow.

Jeongin grabbed the pillow and mimicked Changbin with it, punctuating each word with a hit, “You looked sad.”

He ripped the pillow from the youngers hands and threw it behind him somewhere before smiling at him, “I’m not sad, I was just thinking.”

“About whaaaat?” a new voice sing-songed and Changbin turned to see Felix walk in.

“Nothing really.” 

Changbin laughed as Felix and Jeongin tackled him, together this time. They tickled him, telling him they’d stop only if he told them what he was thinking about. Between his his panting laughter he managed to promise them he’d tell them and finally they let him up.

“So?” Jeongin looked at him expectantly as he tried to catch his breath.

“The fight between Chan and Jisung.” the boys looked confused so Changbin explained it, “Chan told Jisung to shut up because he was stressed, they made up though so you don’t need to worry. I’m just concerned about Chan-hyung, he never overreacts unless he’s tired so…” 

He trailed off but another voice finished the thought for him, “He’s probably overworking himself and you’re scared he’ll collapse again.”  
Changbin looked up to see Jisung stood in the doorway, a small smile on his face. He walked into the living room and sat himself behind Jeongin, wrapping himself around him like an octopus.

“Don’t worry though,” Jisung said, hugging Jeongin even tighter “Woojin-hyung forced him to eat some lunch and go take a nap just now. We all know Chan can’t say no to Woojin.”

They chuckled at that. Changbin looked fondly as Jeongin tried to get out of Jisungs hold but Jisung was abnormally strong for his small figure and didn’t let up. Felix was rolling on the floor laughing when Jeongin’s face started turning red from extursion and if Changbin was being honest he wasn’t far behind. The youngest looked like a tomato with teeth.

“Ugh!” Jeongin exclaimed suddenly, tone loosing all amusement, “Just let go of me!”

Jisung did and Jeongin scrambled away, standing up and storming out the room. Changbin looked after him in surprise before he turned back to Jisung to see a small pout on his lips. When he noticed the older man was looking at him he smiled slightly.

“Teen hormones huh?” he chuckled before standing up, he stumbled slightly but made strong strides towards the kitchen.

So that was the smile Chan had seen.

* * *

He saw it happen as if in slow motion. Jisung was doing a spin flawlessly until his foot landed on a discarded towell and his foot slipped out from under him. Hyunjin saw him catch himself on his hand and flinched when he heard the resounding crack. He expected a yell or a cry to follow but all he heard was a sharp intake of breath as Jisung cradled his right hand against his chest.

Hyunjin and Chan who were the closest immediately rushed over to him and asked if he was okay. Jisung shook his head in answer, holding out his hand and showing the already swollen and bruised wrist.

“Shit, I think it’s broken.” Chan said and moved to grab his phone to call their manager.

Hyunjin kept his attention on Jisung and noticed he was shaking slightly, likely from pain but might as well be from low blood sugar. He had noticed Jisung hadn’t really been eating properly over the last couple days. Jisung was breathing heavily through his nose and Hyunjin rubbed his back comfortingly even if it did nothing to help with the pain. He couldn’t really do anything else

Soon enough they found themselves in the emergency room, watching as a nurse inspected Jisung’s wrist and telling them they needed to do an xray on it to see the damage. Hyunjin watched as they wheeled him off and let Chan lead him over to the collection of chairs that acted as a waiting room. He sat there and listened as Chan explained what had happened to their manager who nodded and hummed in response before leaving to get himself some coffee. 

“I hope it’s not too bad of a break.” Hyunjin said after a while and Chan nodded.

“Yeah, I’m sure he’ll be fine.”

It was almost an hour later that Jisung finally joined them again, brandishing a cast on his wrist and a smile on his face. Their manager drove them back to the dorms and they were immediately swarmed by the other members who they had updated through the groupchat. It had been quite a mistake to only write “Jisung’s in the hospital.” with no context because the members freaked out and blew up the chat until Hyunjin managed to assure them it wasn’t as bad as it sounded.

“He took it like a champ.” Hyunjin heard Chan say to the others as they settled on the couch, “He didn’t even cry.”

“Of course I didn’t! I’m strong!” Jisung exclaimed and flexed his scrawny arms.

They all laughed as his antics and someone produced a sharpie and proceeded to sign Jisung’s cast. Hyunjin only watched as he thought back to the accident, Jisung really hadn’t made a sound apart from his pained gasps. Hyunjin had broken his leg when he was thirteen and he had sobbed like a baby from the pain but Jisung had been silent and Hyunjin had no idea how he managed that.

* * *

Felix shivered as he walked out of the warm bathroom, he should learn not to take such long showers because he always got so cold when he stepped out. He grabbed a hoodie from his bed and walked into the living room to see it completely deserted apart from a lump on the couch. He walked over and sat down next to the other member and saw it was Jisung slumped over a notebook.

“What you writing?” he asked and tried to peek the page.

“A song,” Jisung said simply, closing the notebook hastily, “just trying to be useful.”

“What do you mean?” Felix didn’t like the self deprecating tone of his voice.

“Nothing.” Jisung sighed before looking over at him with a smile, “How was dance practice?”

Ah, there it was. 

“Fine, a bit weird with you missing though.”

“Yeah, I can imagine.” Jisung looked down at his wrist, “Sorry for causing problems.”

“Why do you say sorry? It’s not like you tried to break your wrist did you?” Felix laughed.

“Of course not.” Jisung chuckled, “But still, it’s always hard when a member is missing in the choreo.”

“Well, yeah,” Felix agreed, “but that’s not your fault, it was an accident.”

Jisung nodded his head at that and rested it against Felix shoulder. Felix couldn’t believe he’d been blaming himself for an accident. Or maybe he could, Felix was quite used to blaming himself for things out of his control.

“It just sucks not being useful,” Jisung says after a while, “like I know I’m not useless but you’d all be fine without me.”

“That’s not true Jisung,” Felix assures him, “we all need you, you are so talented and it’s so noticeable when you’re not there. But I get how you feel.”

“You do?” Jisungs voice sounded so soft, he sounded almost hopeful.

“Yeah, when I got eliminated I wasn’t worried about your debut for even a second, I knew you could do it even if I wasn’t there.” Felix had never said this to anyone but it felt good admitting it “And then when I got a second chance I was really happy, but I was also really scared that I’d drag you guys down.”

“You could never drag us down Felix, you’re amazing and for the record I wouldn’t have wanted to debut without you and Minho. Stray Kids wouldn’t be Stray Kids without you, without any of you.”

Felix nodded and pulled Jisung into a hug. It wasn’t until later, when he was laying in his bed that he realised Jisung had said “you” and not “us”. Was that just an accident or did he really think he wasn’t needed in order for Stray Kids to be Stray Kids? He hoped he had just misspoken.

* * *

Woojin sighed as he noticed Jisung hadn’t finished his plate yet while the rest were either finished or onto their second serving. He locked eyes with the younger member and gave him a pointed look towards his plate and up to his face again. Jisung sighed but grabbed a bite and glared at him cheekily as he swallowed making Woojin laugh much to the others confusion. He shook his head at Minho’s questioning look and grabbed another piece of chicken.

Woojin and Jisung were put on cleaning duty after dinner and they washed up in silence. Woojin was always worried, about not being enough, about not being a good enough hyung, about not taking care of the members enough, he wanted to be enough. He was an awkward person and he didn’t always know how to approach the problems in their group. Tiptoeing around the subject worked with some of them but never with Jisung, he was too good at distracting them, too good with words. Straight forward it is.

“Why aren’t you eating?” Jisung stopped at his sudden question.

“We just had dinner?” 

“I’ve noticed you haven’t been eating properly over the past week,” Woojin wasn’t going to let him distract him this time, “I’m worried about you.”

“You don’t have to be,” Jisung picked up a glass and started drying it, “I’ve just been stressed and I haven’t been that hungry.”

“You still need to eat.”

“Yeah, I know,” Jisung placed the now dry glass in the cupboard, “I’ll make sure to eat three meals a day. Is that a good plan?”

Jisung’s smile was cheeky but Woojin fought off his own smile, “Promise me.”

He held out his pinky and Jisung laughed, linking his pinky with it, “I promise.”

Woojin smiled, maybe he could be a good hyung.

* * *

“Come on Jisung.” Seungmin called from where he was stood in the doorway to their room, watching Jisung run around looking for something, “We’re going to be late.”

Jisung stopped in his tracks before quickly grabbing his bag and his phone, following Seungmin outside. The others were already in the cars, ready to go to the fansign they had scheduled for the day. Seungmin sat himself next to Jeongin and Jisung got in on the youngest other side. Throughout the ride Seungmin and Jisung kept nudging the youngest side to side, making him laugh and yell at them to stop. It made the ride go by fast and they laughed as Jeongin practically tackled his way out the car, stomping angrily towards the venue.

The fansign went well, fantastic even, if Seungmin did say so himself. Jeongin had calmed down enough by the time they the fans arrived and acted like his usual cute self. Jisung and Seungmin used every opportunity to cling to the youngest member which was sure to be posted all over the internet by their fans.

Far more people had showed up than expected and they were overwhelmed by the euphoria they felt from the love of their fans. But as they sat in the car their exhaustion overtook them, a few of them were sleeping while others were just staring out the window. But it seemed like Jisung still had some energy left and he tried to strike up conversations with anyone still awake with little luck.

“Hey Jeongin, you wanna play a game when we get back to the dorms?” Jisung asked the maknae excitedly only to receive a distracted hum in response.

Soon enough they arrived at the dorms and it was a process to wake the sleeping members and get them inside. Chan had already ordered them food which was sure to arrive within half an hour. Seungmin kept nudging Jeongin who was doosing off on the couch next to him, he knew the younger boy wouldn’t wake up if he fell into deep sleep. Some members had headed for their rooms to rest up or wash themselves off before dinner which only left Jeongin, Jisung and Seungmin in the living room.

“Hey Jeongin lets play halo,” Jisung called from where he was sat in front of the TV and the game console, “come on! You promised me.”

“I didn’t promise you shit.” Jeongin said but opened his eyes.

“Hey, show some respect to your hyung!” Jisung exclaimed but his voice was light so Seungmin wasn’t concerned that he was offended.

“Why should I?” the youngest snapped and stormed off.

Seungmin was shocked at the outburst and looked at the spot on the couch he’d just left. They were all exhausted and stressed but that was no excuse to act so rude, besides the youngest rarely got angry no matter how tired he was. Seungmin guessed it was teenage rebellion rearing its ugly head or maybe there was something else going on with the maknae. 

Seungmin turned to see Jisung staring blankly at the hallway Jeongin had left through and he was shocked to see tears shining in his eyes. He quickly joined the older member on the floor and gave him a hug, rubbing soothing circles on his back.

“He’s just tired.” Seungmin felt Jisung nod against his shoulder, “Don’t take it personally.”

“Something’s going on with him,” Jisung started, pulling away from the hug looking much more composed, “he’s been really irritable lately. I was just trying to distract him from what’s been bothering him.”

“Yeah, I’ve noticed that too.” Seungmin agreed and cast a glance down the hallway, concerned about the youngest member.

“Aren’t you going to check on him?” Jisung’s voice sounded confused.

“He’s not the one who needs me now,” Seungmin turned to look back at Jisung, “it’s okay if you wanna be mad at him, he was being really rude.”

“I don’t think anyone could be angry with him.”

Seungmin laughed in agreement, the youngest really was too cute for his own good. He picked up the discarded controllers from the floor and offered one to Jisung.

“You still wanna play?” he asked and Jisung nodded and turned on the Xbox.

* * *

Minho liked meeting the fans but if he was being honest it was also too much at times. Too much keeping up his mask to hide his nervousness and too much social interaction for his liking. The fans were one thing but it was so much acting between the members to keep people entertained and even if he was quite used to the members clingingness spending two hours providing skinship and aegyos sometimes became too much.

He sighed as he watched Jisung puff out his cheeks and hold up peace signs by his eyes for the cameras, it seemed to come so easily to the younger man. He seemed to be fueled by the fans cheers while Minho himself just wanted to cover his ears from it. He was always amazed by energy Jisung seemed to always have, even if he could barely keep his eyes open one nudge would wake him up and he’d be ready to entertain.

Speaking of the other man Minho saw him bounding over to him and wrap himself around him and started swinging them side to side as Chan and Woojin sang a ballad for the fans. Minho laughed but in reality he wanted to shake the younger man off of him, it was far too hot on the stage and having the tiny sun clinging to him really didn’t help.

Minho internally cheered when they finally got to say goodbye, it was their last fansign for a couple weeks and his introverted ass really needed to recharge if they were going to do it again. When they finally got behind the stage he heard many of them breathe sighs of relief at it being over. He was handed a bag filled with gifts from the fans by one of the staff and smiled fondly at the trinkets and stuffed animals. Suddenly a pink teddy bear was shoved in his face as he felt an arm wrap around his waist from behind.

“Look what I got!” Jisung screamed in his ear making Minho flinch, “Isn’t it cute.”

“Yeah, yeah it’s cute,” Minho said elbowing him away, “now get the fuck off, no cameras or fans can see us now.”

Minho regretted being so harsh when he saw the shocked expression on Jisung’s face and he opened his mouth to apologize but Jisung simply gave him a small smile before running up to Woojin to show him the bear.

The whole ride back to the dorms Minho felt guilt consume him, why was he so rude? It was so unnecessary. Jisung didn’t seem too upset though as he arranged his toys and letters on his bed but Minho still needed to apologize.

“Hey Jisung,” he knocked on the doorframe and Jisung looked up at him with a smile, “can we talk?”

“Yeah, what’s up?” Jisung moved a couple toys out the way and patted the spot next to him in an invitation and Minho gladly took it.

“I’m sorry for being so rude earlier.”

“Oh, that’s fine.” Jisung said simply and smiled at him, “We all get really cranky after a long day.”

_Not you though._

Minho smiled and thanked him for understanding and gave him a quick hug before heading to the shower. Pleased that there were no harsh feelings.

* * *

_Stupid._

_Stupid._

_Stupid!_

How stupid could a person be? Really fucking stupid Jisung realised. He’d forgotten to renew his prescription for his antidepressants and it had now been a little over a week and he was feeling the effects. It was really bad to quit cold turkey like he had but they’d been so busy it just slipped his mind. He had realised the first day of the three day fansign event but had thought he’d just misplaced them but realised that night that he’d ran out when he found the empty bottle. 

They had been doing vocal and dance practise every day over the past week and he supposed that’s how he had been able to get out of bed but yesterday they had a day off and the absence of dopamine from exercise made him feel like shit. He didn’t want to eat (not that he ever did but usually it was a side effect of his meds) and he declined joining the others for a night out claiming he was tired. Woojin had looked at him skeptically but accepted his decision and headed out with the others. He cried a lot that evening.

_He was useless._

_He’d just annoy them anyways._

Rationally he knew it was just his insecurities and depression talking but it made sense. He had annoyed both Jeongin and Minho a ton and he was sure the others were just as irritated. He was so loud and excited but he couldn’t help it. He was so happy that they had finally debut and he got excited by everything, by writing music, by learning new choreography, by performing and meeting their fans.

_“You take up so much space!”_

Chan’s voice echoed in his head and he tried to silence it by listening to music but that only made his head hurt so he had turn it off. He was glad that he’d woken up with a headache though, it gave him an excuse to stay home. The others had all left for practise an hour earlier and Jisung felt his skin itch by the loneliness of the dorms as he walked into the bathroom. The numbness was probably the worst part of depression, at least for him. He hated himself as he stepped into the shower still clothed in a tshirt and his boxers with his blade in hand. 

He knew he should have gotten rid of it. 

The temptation was too strong and he made a cut across his already scarred thighs. He hissed at the sudden pain but felt relief as it started pulsing. He kept cutting but eventually he didn’t see the point. This was pathetic, turning to this. But he was just so tired of feeling numb and exhausted by hiding it. Even with his medicine he still felt it, like he was in a fog not able to reach anyone. He wanted to reach someone so he smiled and laughed but it never really felt real, the fog was too thick to actually reach them or for them to reach him. 

_You’re pathetic, if you’re gonna cut make it actually hurt._

_Make it have a result._

He hated that the voice made sense. He brought up the blade and looked at the blood dripping off of it. He lifted his left arm, pale and unmarked and rested the blade against it. He made a quick horizontal cut and laughed as it barely broke the skin. The laugh turned into a broken sob. He was such a coward.

_“You take up so much space!”_

He made another cut, then another and another. Each deeper than the last.

_“Now get the fuck off!”_

Jisung startled at Minho’s voice, all he did was annoy him. All of them really

_“Why should I?”_

That was a good question, why should Jeongin respect him? Why should anyone respect him when he didn’t even respect himself?  


_Do it!_

_Kill yourself!_

_It’ll be so much better for everyone!_

_You’ll finally be free!_

Jisung cried harder as the voices became louder, he brought the blade to his forearm. He pressed hard and let the blade slide vertically across the skin and looked as if in a trance at the amount of blood. He reached up and turned on the water of the shower and leaned back against the tiled walls, letting the water wash over him. Do it right, cut vertically and let the water stop the blood from clotting.

He was shocked by how fast he started to feel lightheaded and peaked down at his arm to see the blood mixing with the water. 

It was beautiful.

* * *

Jeongin sneezed and reached over to grab a tissue but found the box empty. He hated being sick and especially now that he needed more practice than ever before. They were getting bigger and bigger and he couldn’t help but feel pressured to do better. He sighed for what felt like the hundredth time that morning, he really didn't want to get up. He briefly recalled Chan telling him Jisung was also home and considered calling for the other man to get him some tissues but remembered he was also sick. He gingerly pulled himself off the bed and wiped his nose with his sleeve as he headed to the bathroom. He heard the shower running but the members were used to invading each others space so he pulled the door open and he froze. 

Jisung was half sitting in the shower, eyes closed and skin pale in stark contrast to the red pooling underneath him and mixing with the water. He rushed forward and grabbed a towel and with shaky hands he pressed it against the cut on his arm. Now that he was closer he realised there were many cuts, too many to count. He didn’t know what to do, the cut on his wrist seemed the worst but his thighs were just as much of a mess. He didn’t know what to do, what should he do? He pressed harder on the cut and Jisung made a small pained sound.

“Jisung?” Jeongin looked at his face to see his eyes open slightly before slipping closed again, “Jisung wake up!”

He didn’t open his eyes though and Jeongin felt a sob escape him. He needed help. He needed an ambulance! He hesitated slightly before he ran to his room and grabbed his phone and dialed for help as he rushed back to the bathroom.

“My friend is hurt!” Jeongin yelled into the phone, “Please send help!”

_Please help him!_

* * *

They were taking a break when their manager walked in, face not giving away any emotion as he told them they needed to get to the hospital. They asked him questions but he didn’t give any answers. 

“I don’t know, I couldn’t really make out what Jeongin was saying apart from hospital and Jisung.”

Chan felt a lump form in his stomach. Was Jisung really that sick? He felt a hand touch his leg and looked over to see Woojin looking worriedly at him and he placed his own over the older man’s hand. They ran into the emergency room and were led by a nurse to a waiting room where they all froze in their step when they saw their maknae. He was wet but that wasn’t what stopped them, it was the red stains on his clothes and the dried blood on his hands.

Chan finally got control of his body and stormed over to him, placing his hands on the youngers face. His face was puffy and streaked with dried tears and new ones were starting to form. He threw himself against Chan and buried his face in his shoulder as he sobbed. Chan pushed him back after a while and looked him in the eyes.

“What happened?” Jeongin only shook his head so Chan shook him by the shoulders to get his attention, “Jeongin! What happened?”

“He… he tried to kill himself hyung.” Jeongin cried harder and Chan heard gasps from behind him, “There was s… so much, so much bl… blood. I didn’t know what to do!”

* * *

They were finally allowed to see him but only a few at a time. The doctors told them they had stitched him up and given him a blood transfusion, telling them he was lucky he was found so soon. Changbin turned his gaze away from Jisung resting on the bed and looked at Jeongin who was clinging to Chan. They had cleaned him up but the stains on his clothes were still there and they made Changbin feel sick

“It’s all my fault hyung.” Jeongin whispered, Chan and Changbin locked confused eyes at the statement.

“Why would you say that?” Chan pulled away slightly to look the youngest in his eyes.

“I’ve been really mean to him lately because I’ve been so stressed and now he’s,” he gestured vaguely to the form on the bed, “it’s my fault.”

“It’s not.” a weak voice said and they all startled, turning to Jisungs pale form, “It’s not your fault.”

Chan reached over and grabbed the cup of water and helped Jisung drink it, soothing his raw throat, “How you feeling?”

“Tired, weak,” Jisung said before sitting himself up with quite the effort, “embarrassed.”

“Why are you embarrassed?” Changbin was confused.

“I never meant for you guys to find out.”

“Why?” Jeongin snapped, the previous sadness in his voice was replaced by anger and honestly Changbin couldn’t blame him.

“I had it under control.” Jisung mumbled, fiddling with the blanket in his lap.

“You call this having it under control?” 

Jeongin gripped his hand and held up the now wrapped arm only for him to let go when Jisung let out a hiss of pain.

“Sorry.” he mumbled.

“It’s okay.” Jisung said simply, pulling his arm closer to himself, “I take meds for my depression but they ran out and it all kind of spiraled from there.”

“When was this?” Chan asked, voice soft

“A little over a week ago, I think. The first day of the fansign event.”

“Why didn’t you get new ones?” Changbin asked.

“We were busy and it slipped my mind, I take a lot of pills so I kind of forgot one was missing.” Jisung’s face was flushed in shame but Changbin couldn’t help but be pleased to see some color in his face.

* * *

The manager had been filled in on the situation and arranged for Jisung to see a therapist every week and refilled his prescription. They were all shocked by what they had found out and practically orbited around Jisung when he finally got to come back to the dorms. They were terrified he was going to spiral again and were careful around him, much to Jisung’s annoyance. He was _fine._

They were having dinner and somehow it had ended up turning into a roast session much to everyone’s delight. Soon enough it turned into rap battle which was impressive by the rappers but embarrassing from the vocalists. Jisung laughed loudly as Woojin lost the beat and his words became a mumbled mess. Hyunjin was up and Jisung was excited to hear what he’d come up with.

“Squirrel boy, squirrel boy,” Hyunjin started and Jisung felt a smile form on his face at the normality before Chan interrupted.

“Hyunjin stop,” he snapped and Hyunjin looked down ashamed, “show some common sense.”

“Don’t,” Jisung said suddenly, he couldn’t take the weirdness of it all, “don’t treat me differently just because you know now.”

“We just don’t want to say anything that could hurt you.” Chan tried to explain.

“Your words can’t hurt me but your actions can, if you act differently it just feels like im a burden and I know you don’t actually mean it when you tease me or get angry. It was just because I didn’t have my meds that I couldn’t really differentiate between what you thought and what I do.” he knew they wouldn’t understand completely but he needed them to get that.

They looked at him and Jisung saw realisation dawn on some of them while others just blinked at him confusedly. He was about to stand up and leave to give them some time to think when Woojin spoke up.

“So you agree with the mean comments when you’re not on your meds?”

Jisung considered simply saying yes but if he truly wanted them to understand he needed to be completely honest, ”I agree with them all the time but I can manage it better when i have my meds though.”

“Then we’ll have to make sure you never agree with them.” Minho exclaimed and wrapped his arms around him.

Maybe he wasn’t fine, but he had an amazing group of friends that might be able to get him there.

**Author's Note:**

> I don't like the cheesy ending but oh well I just wanted to post it! xoxo


End file.
